Better Off

From The Subway Songs
Music by Colleen Dauncey
Lyrics by Akiva Romer-Segal

Performed by Evan Alexander Smith
Band includes: Colleen Dauncey (keyboard), Sydney Galbraith (guitar), Bram Gielen (bass) and Tony Nesbitt-Larking (drums)
Videography by Jeffrey Zablotny

Evry other second
I am reaching in my pocket
and I’m pulling out my cell phone
and I’m checking for a message,
even though there’s no reception
’cause we’re going through a tunnel,
but that logic doesn’t matter much right now.

My wife has broken water
and she’s going into labour
and she’s probly at Mount Sinai,
pretty sure thats what the plan was,
and I hope that she is breathing
like we learned in that Lamaze class
and I’m gonna be a daddy.
Holy cow!

And part of me wants to ask the driver
Would it be a bother?
Rise up to the surface so that I can get this call!
Part of me wants to let him know that
I may be a father!
But part of me doesn’t want that call at all

I know its a terrible thing
But part of me doesn’t want that phone to ring.

What if I suck at changing diapers
and I give her rashes?
Use the wrong powder? Put the diaper inside out?
What if I lose grip on her stroller?
It goes downhill and crashes?
These are things I have to think about.

And what if she is allergic
to the food that I provide her?
She doesn’t have instructions, so cannot get it right.
What if I forget the finger actions
to Eensy Weensy Spider
which causes her to cry all fucking night?

Who’s to say I’m ready to be put in this position?
To be suddenly responsible? To be out there on a limb?
I didn’t pass a test that would approve this life transition
Whos to say I’m qualified just because my sperm can swim?

And maybe she’s better off without me.
Maybe I should pack my bags up and the hit the road today.
There are so many things about me
that make think that she’d be safer
without a certain diaper chaffer.
Maybe she’d be better off that way
Maybe she’d be better off that way

Soon shes starting school
and I will have to teach her manners
and how to tie her laces
except Im still using Velcro.
And nights become issue:
she inherited my bladder
and shes peeing in her bed and not the can.
Then shes bringing homework
and expecting me to help her
but damned if I remember
my Pythagorean theorem.
Then shes asking for allowance
so that she can get a piercing
and pretty soon shes asking me to use the van.

What if she grows up way too fast
and puts on too much make up
and wears her skirts too short? How will I find the words
to sit her down face-to-face and have an
open conversation
to have that talk about the bees and birds?

What if she says the wrong thing
and it sets me off like a trigger
and I’ve been busy drinking and I get awful mad?
What if I lose control
and so I raise my hand and hit her?
kind of like the father that I had.

And who’s to say that I will not become him?
Maybe I should stop and heed the signs.
No. I won’t let that happen to a child of my own.
I will not let his fate become mine.

Maybe I’m better off to know her.
Maybe she’ll give me strength to redefine myself one day.
Maybe I’ll find a way to show her
that with her help I really can
prove to her I’ll be a man.
Maybe I’ll be better off that way
Maybe well be better off that way.